second memory
Jan. 26th, 2011 10:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ichtreteihrgesichtWhat she remembers:
--"You shouldn't depend on the Eva"/"What would you know? You're the favorite!" - she's a pilot? Of something called "Eva"?
--"Eva is a mirror of your heart"/"You should learn to be happy without it" - she lost it, whatever it is, b/c not good enough
--I DID THIS, I WAS SMART ENOUGH FOR THIS, AND IT WASN'T ENOUGH, someone took control away from me
--She disobeyed? And is being punished for it
--Blue-haired girl "just follows orders", she does not
--CONNECTION: PREVIOUS MEMORY
---she remembers getting the band-aids on her own finger when cooking!
---Blue-haired girl has them too, she feels kinship with blue-haired girl!
--She can't outright say what she feels - why not? In the memory she's afraid of something happening if she's honest, but here and now without context she doesn't understand what it is she'll lose
--"When I say idiot, it's obvious I mean that idiot."
---She still doesn't remember Shinji's name, it's like that part of the memory turns into a wisp and floats away
---the name is all garbled, meaningless syllables, like the neurons containing that memory aren't firing properly when the names come up and don't have anything to "fix" the screwed-up sector with
--"Just say what you feel already!" - she's not Japanese, but she kind of knew that already from the previous memory - now she understands why it was difficult for her, because she was cooking an unfamiliar form of food
--THIS IS A CONFESSION???? HOW DO I -
--"Commander Ikari" mentioned again, connection to $BOYILIKE?
--"I get it, you idiot. That means you like him!"
--what does their liking this guy have to do with their job????
--OH YEAH I HAD DEPTH PERCEPTION BACK THEN TOO WTF WHEN/HOW DID I LOSE MY EYE
What this means:
--oh god damn it I just wrote that essay and now it's all out of whack, i'll have to write a new one
--SUDDENLY, CONTEXT
---she's not a cook, she's a pilot for some organization
---they - "Commander Ikari" - fired her for not being good enough but was it favoritism? she wasn't good enough to fight the favoritism in place
---she loved someone that this other girl did too
---SUDDEN INSIGHT into other girl
---why couldn't she say she understood to her face?
---BAND-AIDS and COOKING are a SIGN OF FRIENDSHIP
--frankly, amnesiac Asuka doesn't even know what to do with this memory
--what is she so afraid of? is the big stumbling block to her internalizing a lot of this on more than a subconscious level - she can't understand herself in the memory, or at least not enough to really throw her
What this does:
--well, it's simultaneously a hell of a blow to her confidence and a reaffirmation of what she's been doing, because the main things she'll internalize from this are:
---she needs to reach out to people - based on her own perception of the situation - and that she can do this by sharing experiences with them (meaning: she's going to be forcing herself to interact with people more, try and do thing with them more)
---and that this is the only thing that can really define her worth, because just being good isn't good enough, which is something she's already had in the back of her mind, cf. her convo with Allen/Winter and other convos elsewhere - if she wants to define herself by her sole material contributions then she's worthless, but SHE ISN'T WORTHLESS if she has people!
--so she's going to be a bit more forced about it, she's going to be reaching out to people even more intensely than before, trying to prove that she is "good enough"
--she might be a bit more brusque with people when she thinks they're trying to disseminate, because now she associates that kind of emotional obfuscation with something fearful
--and, yeah, MORE COMPETITIVE, too, okay let's be frank, she isn't buying entirely what this memory is selling as noted, so she kind of feels like she can PROVE HER MEMORY WRONG ABOUT HERSELF and that she is good enough, because she feels good enough, right????
--because she honestly doesn't understand the fear that drives her remembered self? and she's afraid of it because she doesn't understand it and therefore - and this is another internalized piece of the memory - because she doesn't understand it, it might be able to take her own self-determination away
--but at the same time, she knows she can make connections with people, and the memory only reinforces that awareness on grounds of showing her how much those connections matter even if she doesn't know they're there.
--"You shouldn't depend on the Eva"/"What would you know? You're the favorite!" - she's a pilot? Of something called "Eva"?
--"Eva is a mirror of your heart"/"You should learn to be happy without it" - she lost it, whatever it is, b/c not good enough
--I DID THIS, I WAS SMART ENOUGH FOR THIS, AND IT WASN'T ENOUGH, someone took control away from me
--She disobeyed? And is being punished for it
--Blue-haired girl "just follows orders", she does not
--CONNECTION: PREVIOUS MEMORY
---she remembers getting the band-aids on her own finger when cooking!
---Blue-haired girl has them too, she feels kinship with blue-haired girl!
--She can't outright say what she feels - why not? In the memory she's afraid of something happening if she's honest, but here and now without context she doesn't understand what it is she'll lose
--"When I say idiot, it's obvious I mean that idiot."
---She still doesn't remember Shinji's name, it's like that part of the memory turns into a wisp and floats away
---the name is all garbled, meaningless syllables, like the neurons containing that memory aren't firing properly when the names come up and don't have anything to "fix" the screwed-up sector with
--"Just say what you feel already!" - she's not Japanese, but she kind of knew that already from the previous memory - now she understands why it was difficult for her, because she was cooking an unfamiliar form of food
--THIS IS A CONFESSION???? HOW DO I -
--"Commander Ikari" mentioned again, connection to $BOYILIKE?
--"I get it, you idiot. That means you like him!"
--what does their liking this guy have to do with their job????
--OH YEAH I HAD DEPTH PERCEPTION BACK THEN TOO WTF WHEN/HOW DID I LOSE MY EYE
What this means:
--oh god damn it I just wrote that essay and now it's all out of whack, i'll have to write a new one
--SUDDENLY, CONTEXT
---she's not a cook, she's a pilot for some organization
---they - "Commander Ikari" - fired her for not being good enough but was it favoritism? she wasn't good enough to fight the favoritism in place
---she loved someone that this other girl did too
---SUDDEN INSIGHT into other girl
---why couldn't she say she understood to her face?
---BAND-AIDS and COOKING are a SIGN OF FRIENDSHIP
--frankly, amnesiac Asuka doesn't even know what to do with this memory
--what is she so afraid of? is the big stumbling block to her internalizing a lot of this on more than a subconscious level - she can't understand herself in the memory, or at least not enough to really throw her
What this does:
--well, it's simultaneously a hell of a blow to her confidence and a reaffirmation of what she's been doing, because the main things she'll internalize from this are:
---she needs to reach out to people - based on her own perception of the situation - and that she can do this by sharing experiences with them (meaning: she's going to be forcing herself to interact with people more, try and do thing with them more)
---and that this is the only thing that can really define her worth, because just being good isn't good enough, which is something she's already had in the back of her mind, cf. her convo with Allen/Winter and other convos elsewhere - if she wants to define herself by her sole material contributions then she's worthless, but SHE ISN'T WORTHLESS if she has people!
--so she's going to be a bit more forced about it, she's going to be reaching out to people even more intensely than before, trying to prove that she is "good enough"
--she might be a bit more brusque with people when she thinks they're trying to disseminate, because now she associates that kind of emotional obfuscation with something fearful
--and, yeah, MORE COMPETITIVE, too, okay let's be frank, she isn't buying entirely what this memory is selling as noted, so she kind of feels like she can PROVE HER MEMORY WRONG ABOUT HERSELF and that she is good enough, because she feels good enough, right????
--because she honestly doesn't understand the fear that drives her remembered self? and she's afraid of it because she doesn't understand it and therefore - and this is another internalized piece of the memory - because she doesn't understand it, it might be able to take her own self-determination away
--but at the same time, she knows she can make connections with people, and the memory only reinforces that awareness on grounds of showing her how much those connections matter even if she doesn't know they're there.
